Facebook check-in: Still Totally Barren, Thanks for Stopping By!

I stayed away from Facebook for 5 months after I lost the baby. Recently I decided that enough time has passed, and that I was emotionally strong enough to resume the online stalking and silent judging of people I haven't spoken to since middle school.  Well perhaps I should have thought more critically about restarting my Facebook habit, because evidently, everyone I have ever met is pregnant. So are all of their friends.  Are any of you ladies out there looking for a quick and easy way to conceive?  Friend me on Facebook.  It's like magic.

Now don't get me wrong.  I am not entirely disillusioned; I get it. I am almost thirty years old, which is prime "we're expecting!" time.  For most people, you get married (this step is optional, especially if you are a reality television star) wait a few months to settle in to domestic bliss, have some sex without a condom, and make a baby.  Of course all the happy expectant folks out there want to share their joy and post incessantly about their pregnancies.  That's essentially what Facebook is for if you are married and ready to start a family.  If I could, I would do it to.  I assure you all...I love looking at your daily bump pics, every sonogram photo, the tiny little booties you made with multi-colored yarn, the baby names you are considering, and how bloated you feel.  Let me update all of you on how things are going with me:

• "Day 5 of my fertility drug regimen! Night sweats, insane and blinding rage, and painfully engorged ovaries!  Now who wants to have sex with me?"
• "Daily cervical mucus check-in! For more details, check out my chart on fertility friend!"
• "Lying on table with dildo cam inside of my hoo-ha. Uterine lining looking strong this month at 10.6 [insert tasteful photo of internal ultrasound here.]"
• "Blood pregnancy test is negative. What's for dinner? A 6-pack of Dale's Pale Ale. Dessert? A bucket of my tears."
• "Drinking for 2 at the friendly neighborhood bar! Visibly barren for 6 months and counting :) "

Everyone told me that once I got pregnant the first time (no easy feat) getting pregnant again would be a walk in the park.  I heard countless tales from women who had tried for a year, taken Clomid to conceive, delivered their baby and then magically they fell pregnant with their second/third/fourth/fifteenth child after only one month of trying.  After I lost the little one, I told myself that I would be one of those magic women.  It would only take a month or two, and then I could restart my pregnancy journey.  I knew all the tricks, I had my fertility drugs ready to go, and I was ready to give this baby thing another try.  Well it looks like I missed the fertile ferry, because I am still waiting at the dock and it seems the ship has already sailed.

Next month I am supposed to start IVF.  In 24 days (not that I am obsessively counting) I will have graduated to the place where I get to stick needles filled with viscous medication into my stomach and ass-cheeks.  How's that for a Facebook photo-op?  Who wants to be the first one to "like" my bruised ass?