The "New Normal"

Close to 95% of the time, I feel "normal" now.  I still have moments where I see a chubby little infant swaddled in his mother's arms in line at Chipotle and find my eyes filling with tears, or nights when I wake up and instinctively put my hand over my stomach to feel my baby, but most days pass exactly like they did before I ever got pregnant.  I drink too much wine on Tuesdays (I use the term "Tuesday" loosely.  I originally wrote "weekday", but it made me sound like a lush), I try and convince my husband that eating 32 pieces of sushi in one sitting is standard, if not below average, and I put on my eyeliner every single day to prove that I am not depressed. I'd say that the hardest part of returning to my old routine, is how much of my time revolves around trying to conceive.

Recently, my fertility doctor advised me to wait two full cycles after our loss before we took "extra measures" (IUI/Clomid to induce ovulation) because even though my body healed quickly, he wanted to make sure that I was in [insert long pause to convey sensitivity and thoughtfulness] the right place emotionally.  Little does that poor doctor know, I have never been able to settle comfortably in the "right place" emotionally--I prefer to teeter between "inappropriately compassion-less joke machine" and "I'm sobbing uncontrollably because I just paper-cut my finger on tinfoil and it hurts way more than I thought possible."  I agreed to forego any procedures this month, but insisted on taking the Clomid, because I like how it gives me uncontrollable anger and makes my ovaries feel like golf balls.

Ovulation is now just around the corner, and once again I've found myself jolting out of bed in the morning the moment my alarm goes off so that I can take my temperature and pee on 3 different brands of OPKs (ovulation predictor kits.)  Yes, I fully comprehend how insane it is that I use three different brands--but what if one of them malfunctions?  Or the line is too hard to read?  Or I drop it in the toilet?  You have to prepare for these things!  I line them all up on my windowsill and study them intently at least three times a day, looking for marginal color-shifts to indicate hormonal changes or a tiny invisible neon sign that blinks "WARNING: EGG IS RELEASING. SUPER FERTILE".  As you can likely imagine, this is exhausting, and only one step in the monthly whirlwind of trying to conceive.

I suppose that one of the ways that I know I am approaching "normal" again is that I can allow myself to be this crazy. The rituals and insanity bring me an odd sense of comfort and something to focus on.  Speaking of something to focus on, I should probably go; it's been four hours since I last studied my OPKs.