When I was in middle school, I used to want to be a famous actress. My best friend and I dreamed about going to UCLA together where we would both major in theater, have amazingly handsome boyfriends, be co-presidents of our sorority, and have the perfect year-round tans. After graduation, my friend was planning on moving to New York City, where she would promptly land a lead role on Broadway and pick up a couple of Tony Awards before she hit 30. I knew that I was a great actress, but due to my grating singing voice and the complete inability to master complex dance choreography, I figured that I would just stick around Los Angeles and audition for CW dramas until I landed on the next "Dawson's Creek." The prospect of making out with Joshua Jackson fueled me alongside my desire for fame.
Fast forward 15 years, and I still have not appeared on any CW shows, not even as an extra (though I do watch many of them regularly despite my advanced age.) I was active in theater throughout high-school and college, but quickly realized that I would never be a famous actress. To be fair, the odds were never in my favor; my parents are not Hollywood royalty, I have super small boobs and an ample bottom, and despite what my first semester of college suggests, I will not sleep with strangers to get ahead in life. Although things turned out a little bit different than what the middle-school version of me had imagined (I live in Connecticut for god's sake) I sometimes do feel like I am a professional actress, especially lately.
Over the past couple of months, I have had countless people tell me how brave I am. They say things to me like "I just cannot believe you well you are doing!" and "You handle this with such grace." When I take a step back and look at my life, I have to admit that it looks pretty damn good. I've gotten a great promotion at work, I'm going back to the gym again (okay, I've been twice, but it still counts!), I go out with friends and drink beers and smile and laugh, I have Sunday dinners with my family. My life seems totally normal because I act like it is. Most days, I am totally faking it...so I guess I might just be a professional actress after all.
I am supposed to be 32 weeks pregnant and complaining about how often I have to pee, and how nothing fits me anymore. I am supposed to be having my baby shower this month and opening adorable onesies and diaper genies and stuffed animals to decorate the farm-animal themed nursery. I am supposed to be excited for one of my friends who is very newly pregnant after struggling to conceive for a long time. I am supposed to someone completely different; I am supposed to be happy, but I'm not.
Honestly, I feel like a zombie at work and have to close my door for 20 minutes every afternoon so that I can cry. I make thousands of to-do lists because my mind is too fuzzy to remember everything that I am supposed to get done, even when the only thing I've assigned myself is "send back the Netflix". I only want to eat pizza. I can't sleep because I have dreams about holding a baby that doesn't exist anymore. When I find out that my friends are pregnant, I am filled with anger and jealousy and it makes me feel sick. I am starting to worry that if I tell people how I really feel they are not going to want to hang out with me anymore because they have to handle me with "kid gloves" (unfortunate term!) Even I am sick and tired of hearing about how miserable I am.
On top of it all, my husband and I have been told that we need to take a break trying to conceive until our test results come back. We still have weeks to go, and every day that we have to wait makes me feel worse. I hate just sitting around, not doing anything to get back what we lost. Lucky for me, I am super great at acting like everything is okay.
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